Dear Reader,

It's getting colder up here in the Northern hemisphere, and there's just something about hot teas and cozy sweaters that makes me want to curl up with a cheesy novel or watch rom coms. However, the more I work with actual clients in actual relationships, and the more I learn about intimacy and relational dynamics, the less I can enjoy these books and movies.

Not going to yuck your yum, there's no shame in consuming romance as a not-so-guilty pleasure! But can we talk about how traditional romanticism, with its idealized notions of love and relationships, messes up our expectations when it comes to being in relationship with actual people?

Here's how romanticism is causing significant problems:

Unrealistic expectations: Traditional romanticism often portrays love and relationships as beginning with a meet-cute, overcoming an obvious misunderstanding, then proceeding smooth and free of any friction, with spontaneous passion, perfect mind-reading partners, and happily-ever-after endings. One person is supposedly filling up all your needs for friendship, companionship, partnership, support, and it's their job to "make you happy". God forbid they do or don't do something you don't like, then they make you so unhappy. (I talk more about this in the point about individuation.) This creates unrealistic expectations for real relationships, where individuals have bad days, don't feel like having sex, and don't know what you're talking about. The pressure to live up to these unrealistic standards leads to disappointment, frustration, and conflict. Case in point:

Lack of focus on practical aspects: Traditional romanticism often prioritizes grand gestures and sweeping emotions, but neglects the practical aspects of relationships such as communication, conflict negotiation, and problem-solving skills. In actual relationships, practical aspects such as communicating your wants and needs, transparent financial management, and scheduling sex are key to maintaining a healthy and functional partnership. Strategic use of tears, apologies, flowers, and boom boxes does not make a relationship.

Gender roles and stereotypes: Traditional romanticism often shows rigid gender roles and stereotypes, portraying men as strong protectors or providers, and women as passive, manipulative, or ditzy. With the clients I work with, these gender roles are being redefined and relationships are built on a more equal footing. But getting out of these roles is hard work, because we have been indoctrinated and have internalized so many messages about what it means to be a man or a woman. I'd love to see more nuance of that equitable distribution of chores and emotional labor represented in the media. For example, a great source for non-toxic masculinity inspiration is @wearemanenough on Insta.

Lack of emphasis on individuation: Traditional romanticism often emphasizes the merging of identities. "You complete me", anyone? I'm not saying stay single or go it alone by all means necessary (individuation is not individualism), but most of us have grown up in severely co-dependent paradigms. We have forgotten that we are our own souls with our own growth and development trajectories. We are responsible for our own well-being. We are responsible to plumb the depths of our psyche and make our unconscious programming conscious. Being in partnership means having a witness and a supporter as we become who we were meant to be. Traditional romanticism sadly taught us that based on capitalist and production values, one partner's contribution is more important than the other's. In my work, there's no reason why both people shouldn't get to live their lives as fully as possible.

Limited diversity and morality: Traditional romanticism often portrays a narrow and limited view of what's healthy, primarily focusing on heterosexual, monogamous, and cisgender relationships. In other words, they're confusing what's deemed "moral" under the patriarchal religious umbrella, with what's natural from a more inclusive and non-pathologizing perspective.
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My friends' and clients' relationships come in various forms, including same-sex relationships, polyamorous or open relationships, and relationships across diverse cultural, gender, and religious backgrounds. Traditional romanticism does not fully acknowledge or validate these diverse forms of relationships, leading to exclusion and alienation for individuals in non-traditional relationships. A model that demonstrates these limitations quite clearly is American anthropologist Gayle Rubin's "Charmed Circle":

The inner circle describes the culturally accepted circumstances under which individuals are "allowed" to be sexual. The circle is not complete, e.g. it is missing categories like age or ablism, but you get the idea. If you don't fall into the inner circle that are perpetuated by romanticism, chances are, you have felt shame or othering about yourself or your desires.

Along a similar vein,

Pressure to conform to societal norms: Traditional romanticism often perpetuates societal norms and expectations around love, relationships, and marriage, which do not align with the values and desires of actual people. This can create pressure to conform to traditional relationship norms, even if they do not feel authentic or fulfilling.

Last but not least:

The quality of a relationship is measured by its longevity: Happily ever after in romanticism means reaching your 50th wedding anniversary and dying in each other's arms. In reality, what good is having been married for 50 years, when only 3.5 of those were happy ones? Relationships don't have to last forever to be meaningful. Again, I'm not advocating to leave at the first sign of trouble, but even when you engage in mindful individuation, sometimes goals simply don't align. Deciding to part ways doesn't have to be anybody's fault, and breaking up can also happen with love and grace. Relationships have to be allowed to change, just like the people in them.

My work is encouraging you to co-create the kind of romantic relationship you actually want so you might feel authentic and content - for as long as both or all of you consent.

Ok, that was a lot. And yes, sometimes we just need an easy story to curl up with, and you might have different perspectives on what is considered problematic or not. However, my point is that being aware of the potential challenges of traditional romanticism in your relationship can help you navigate it with a realistic and holistic approach, grounded in mutual respect, communication, and compassion.

If you'd like to learn more and happen to be in NYC on October 20th, I hope you consider joining us for a healthy boundaries workshop in Red Hook! Sponsored and hosted by Sam Razook of Curious Jane, you can find more details here:

When Loved Ones Push Your Buttons... ...it's time to set healthy boundaries! Experience your edges, stay grounded, and break out of unhelpful patterns. Tickets include a +1! Workshop Details

Cheers,

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